The Art of Being Unbothered
Have you ever met people who don’t care? I mean, in a good way. They get yelled at by their boss in the morning, get their order completely wrong at lunch, and then get flat tires in the evening. But instead of being mad, they just shrug it off and continue their lives as if nothing happened. To say that I’m impressed is an understatement—I’m utterly amazed.
As an overthinker, ignoring problems, even the smallest ones, is not easy. I was always wondering, how do these people handle unpleasing things so well?
Until one day, I discovered Stoicism, an ancient Greek philosophy that was founded thousands of years ago, yet surprisingly is still very relevant today.
I stumbled upon a quote from Marcus Aurelius, a Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher, that changed the way I see problems in life.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
What I learned from the quote is that any occurred events in our lives are actually neither positive nor negative, they are neutral. It depends on how we perceive it. We can’t control things that are happening in our lives, but we can decide what we are going to do about them.
Stoicism taught me about Epictetus’s dichotomy of control. There are two kinds of things in this world: the ones we can control and the ones we cannot.
For instance, you have been planning this picnic trip with your friends for weeks. But when the time finally comes, it starts raining. Being mad about it doesn’t change the fact that it’s raining. The weather wouldn’t suddenly change for you, right? Otherwise, it only drains the energy that could’ve been projected for something else, something more important.
The same thing also applies to people, the trolls, who make negative comments on social media. Their opinion—as nonsense as it might sound—is not something that we can control.
“Other people’s views and troubles can be contagious. Don’t sabotage yourself by unwittingly adopting negative, unproductive attitudes through your associations with others.”
― Epictetus
Nonetheless, there are also things that we can control: our actions. We have the option of whether to do our tasks, assignments, et cetera or not. The result, however, is not under our control. It depends on our teacher or lecturer or boss. The important thing is that we do something about it, and attempt our best.
Henry Manampiring, through his book Filosofi Teras (Stoicism), explained one of the methods on how to deal with unpleasant situations. It’s called STAR: Stop, Think, Assess, and Respond.
When an unpleasant situation happens, give yourself time to be sad, to mourn about it. But give yourself a limit. Tell yourself to stop.
The next step is you think. Try to put your feelings aside and think rationally. It’s not easy, but it already helps a lot to get you out of the gray clouds just by trying to think.
After that, you assess the situation. Separate the actual fact and your interpretation. Soon after you do the first three steps, you can think of how to respond to that situation with a much clearer head.
It’s easier said than done, I know. Some people are natural Stoics. They master it even though they’ve never heard of it. Not everyone is as lucky as them though. Like every other skill, you can’t master it overnight. We need a lot of practice to master stoicism, the art of being unbothered.
Start with dealing with the most minor inconveniences. One day you’ll realize that you probably have become a stronger person than you were yesterday.
To sum it up, don’t dwell too long on things that you can’t control. It’s humane to feel angry, sad, and, disappointed. Just make sure to get a grip on yourself after, because one thing that you can control is how you perceive things, and that is very powerful.
